Who Am I?
by xana4
Summary: When he fears losing sight of who he really is, Marty Deeks goes to the only person he trusts enough to help him...Hard decisions always become easier with her help


**AN: **_I don't have any excuse to write this one either. It's starting to become something that happens quite often. Maybe I should go to the doctor and tell him that my fingers started to develop an imagination and started to write one-shots all by themselves. Anyway, I can't blame this one on Alan as I did with my last one-shot. This one was all on my laptop - Steve. Yes, I name all my computers. My microwave also has a name. My twin and I started to name our electronic devices on an afternoon in which we were bored. We call our fridge Rubik (as in Rubik's cube, fridge makes ice, ice comes in cubes…yeah, don't even ask how our mind's work). Anyway, here's your one-shot that was written while my baby brother was watching SpongeBob. _

_Enjoy ;-)_

**.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-NCIS:LA-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-Kensi/Deeks.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-Who Am I?.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-**

This was never his dream.

Working for NCIS was never his dream.

He wanted to work for law-enforcement, sure, but his goal was to become a hell of a cop and not an agent. As he stares at the papers Hetty gave him to become a true NCIS agent, Marty Deeks is at a loss of what to do.

He meant every word he said to Hetty all those months ago. Being a cop is not just what he does. It's who he is. And he's not sure if he's ready to say goodbye to such an important part of his life. But that talk was months ago.

Feels like a lifetime has gone by without anyone realizing.

Everything seems different now and that's probably what's messing so much with his head.

Months ago he didn't know what was like to work in a place where he felt welcome. Now, he knows NCIS is like a big family.

Hetty is the grandmother who knows way too much for her own good but that is always there, through good times and bad times.

He learned to see Eric as the annoying baby brother than can get on anyone's nerves but that everyone loves anyway.

Nell is like a baby sister. She's sweet and everyone has this urge to protect her because of it.

Nate…well, he doesn't know that much about Nate but he's like the cool uncle that comes to pay a visit every once in a while and that wants to know how everyone's doing.

Sam is like their mother, as weird as that sounds. He's the one who is always making sure everything is okay with everyone, outside work.

Callen is the father, and it's still weird to say it like that but it's the truth. He cares about every single member of the team but doesn't show it nearly as much as Sam does.

And then there's Kensi, the biggest riddle.

When he first met her, he saw her as the tough-as-nails big sister and he had reasons to think like that.

Then, when she came in his rescue and he saw how worried she was with him, Deeks started seeing her as the caring big sister.

They became partners and she shifted towards a best friend, someone he could count on no matter what and that was always there for him without judging him. Sure, she judged him but he knew it was in a joking manner and that she didn't meant to offend him.

Now, he can't bring himself to look at her like that anymore. She's so much more than that. She's his partner, his best friend, his love. She's his everything.

Kensi is probably not aware of how he feels about her but, then again, she might just be without him knowing. She's a damn good agent and he wouldn't be surprised to find out she knows she means the world to him. Deeks is sure he can't hide it. He's a good liar but, for some reason, lying to Kensi is harder than lying to anyone else he has ever met before. The good part about all this is that he knows he means something to her too.

Marty sees the jealousy in her eyes when he flirts or talks about other women, sees how worried she gets when something happens to him and he saw her reaction when she thought Hetty had fired him two months ago.

He saw the broken look on her face when he had to go undercover for LAPD three weeks ago without her. It lasted three weeks only but the hug she gave him when he came back yesterday allowed him to see how worried she had been about him.

That's why he feels like it's time to quit LAPD and join NCIS once and for all. He can't stand the thought of worrying her this much. When he came back home, he could smell her perfume all over his house, on one of his shirts , on his couch and even on his pillow. She had been there more than once while he was away, that much he can tell.

Making a quick decision, Marty gets up from the couch and leaves his house. Its way past midnight but he knows that there is only one person who can help him make this decision, that can ease his worries and give him the answers he desperately needs.

He gets in his car and drives to her house. Her living room light is still on and he lets out a sigh of relief. At least he's not going to wake her up. Deeks knocks on his partner's door and Kensi opens it less than a minute later. She has a small smile on her face, combined with some confusion. He doesn't usually pay visits at this hour. "Is everything okay?"

Marty hands her the papers in his hands, trying not to pay attention to what she was wearing. He can't think about how good she looks in his shirt when he's about to make a life-changing decision. And how on earth did she manage to steal his favorite shirt without him noticing it before? Kensi stares at the papers and frowns. "Why are you giving me these?"

Deeks takes a deep breath and starts, even though they're both still standing in her doorway. "Hetty gave me those a few months ago, before she quit and disappeared on us. I told her I couldn't do it because being a cop was not just what I did but who I was."

Kensi nods and finishes his thought. "And now you're considering it. What made you change your mind?"

And his answer comes out without giving him time to think things through.

"You"

The answer is that simple. He's being honest.

Kensi smiles at him and he knows she understands exactly what he means by that. It's the fear of losing her, the fear of being partnered up with anyone but her, the worry he feels whenever she's not around him and how much he misses her when he has to go undercover for LAPD. It's everything combined but it can be summarized in one simple word.

It's her and nothing else, no one else.

In the end, it's not the family environment in the team that makes him feel like home.

It's just her.

Kensi opens the door wider to allow him to come inside and he does, closing the door behind him and sitting on the couch next to her. "Who am I, Kenz?"

She doesn't seem shocked with his question and it doesn't surprise him. She knows him and probably knows what's going on inside his head right now.

She just smiles and turns to him, both legs curled under her on the couch. "You're Marty Deeks, the nicest man I've ever met. You can make me laugh, even when I'm not feeling quite like myself. You always have my back, even though I keep telling you I can take care of myself. You worry about me more than Callen and Sam put together and that's saying a lot because you know how overprotective they are when it comes to me. You're loyal, trustworthy and a good man. You're more than just a cop, Marty."

This is the first time she ever called him that and Deeks can't fight this anymore.

He leans in and stops only when he's an inch away from her lips, looking into her eyes. He's asking for permission because, as much as he wants to kiss her, he would never do such a thing if she didn't want him to.

He doesn't have to wait for too long, either.

Kensi closes her eyes and connects their lips, wrapping her arms around his neck to keep him close.

He kisses her without holding anything back.

This is what he's been craving for months now. She kisses him back with as much passion, as much emotion, as much desperation. They need this. It's as simple as that.

Their relationship is not a complicated one. What they need is pretty easy to obtain, it turns out.

They only need each other.

When they finally pull back, Kensi shows him a side of her he had never seen before. She straddles his lap and keeps her arms wrapped around his neck, hugging him close to her. It's a sweet gesture, something he never thought she could show to anyone. Deeks lets out a sigh of contentment and wraps his own arms around her waist, dropping small kisses on her neck just because.

This is right where he belongs, in her arms.

Tomorrow has never been clearer.

He will sign those papers, resign from LAPD and become an NCIS agent.

He's not afraid of becoming someone different just because of this.

He knows everything will be okay as long as he has this amazing woman in his arms, by his side, at all times.

That's more than what he ever dared to dream of.

**So, do you think Steve can write as well as Alan or should I stop giving him permission to write and yell at him?**

**Sarah**


End file.
